My mother called me
in a frantic panic
screaming at me come immediately
It was time.
I was supposed to be on
a plane within the hour.
This wasn't supposed
to be happening for
at least another two months.
The feeling of unease and worry
overwhelmed me.
Rushing to get there
forgetting all of my
belongings in the process.
Once there, I was
greeted by warm familiar faces.
Sitting and waiting was hell.
The anticipation was
almost too much to bare.
Finally, we were called
to go up to the room.
that everything was alright
for now at least.
And then, for the first time
I met my niece,
She was beautiful.
There is a great use of suspense here which really kept me on my toes wanting to read on till the end. And the way you said it simply and straight with no fancy language that there you were and your newborn niece at the end was refreshing. It was a pleasant relief that it was about a birth and nothing else. I think at certain points it was a bit too vague making me wonder what's going on in the larger scene. Maybe describing a little more of what's happening around you without giving away the ending would make it easier to picture where you are in those moments.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part of this poem is probably the end. I really like that you kept the main event kind of secret until the end. The rest of the poem made me anxious, wondering why the speaker is getting on a plane and why she was expecting to in the future. I'm not sure if the anticipation was for seeing the niece or getting on the plane, but I think it works well to mean both.
ReplyDeleteThis poem tells a simple story, and as others have noted above, it portrays suspense in the story. I am guessing this is a memory poem--like the one assigned during the previous week, perhaps submitted a week later? This week we focused on controlling metaphor and (to a lesser extent) "magic image" poems, and it took me a realize that this poem is probably from the last set of readings in the book.
ReplyDeleteI would really love to see you start to employ the tools we have been learning about in class and in the book--in particular, using descriptive imagery to show rather than tell the story, idea, or feeling you are trying to portray.
This poem is entirely told. There really aren't any images or descriptive lines in the poem to help bring it to life for your readers. In the first stanza, we could see the phone, and a middle stanza could describe the uncomfortable seats we all know so well. There are lots of opportunities for imagery. Just like you have been reading in the book, let's now try to begin using some of the tools of sound and imagery that separate poetry from prose.
If you missed material from class lecture and discussion and want to make it up, just email me and let me know. But the first lesson we are all trying to learn in the class is how to show rather than tell in a poem, and that's what I most want to see as your teacher--at least as the first poetic tool we integrate.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with for your controlling metaphor poem. It would be great if we could get caught up as soon as possible. Thanks!
I totally agree, I love the suspense here. I don't fully get the line breaks, I think there are a few that are unnecessary or make the poem a little bit too jagged. Also, what's the deal with the plane? Were you flying somewhere to meet someone? Do you like in a different city than your niece? I think adding some more context will make the suspense even more dramatic.
ReplyDeleteI love the suspense. I love that you admitt that sitting and waiting is hell...it is never lovely and ppl who depict it in other ways are liars lol. I love the line...this wasn't supposed to happen for months. I think we always want things to happen when we want them to happen. But they don't. Name what you forgot(:
ReplyDelete